Online Safety: A Guide for Parents

Dr. Merle Marsh, Worcester Preparatory School

 

It's not easy being a parent these days. In addition to all of your other parental responsibilities, you have to keep up with what's going on with your children and the Internet. Some parents worry that they'll never know as much as their children when it comes to computers, but the truth is:

 

(1) Your children probably don't know as much as they think they know nor as much as they want you to think they know.

(2) You know what is best for your children, whether it comes to the Internet or any other activity. You don't have to be a techie guru to guide and protect your children. But it does take some work.

 

There are no magic buttons that will keep your children completely safe. Although there are tools that can help, the responsibility for safety falls upon your children and you. They and you are by far the best Internet filters.

 

Computers, digital devices, and online interaction are part of your children's world. Forbidding them from this interaction is probably not going to stop them from seeking out opportunities to do it some place other than home. It's "the" thing to do now-a-days, and in many ways it's like gathering at a friend's home, in a fast food restaurant, or talking on the telephone with friends. Being accepted by a group is extremely important to them. You should keep in mind that most of your children's online activities will be just fine and quite innocent. But, like other activities in your children's lives such as going to the mall or the boardwalk, meeting friends at a party, etc., online interaction can be dangerous. It's best to monitor this interaction from home.

 

Digital Devices Often Have More Options Than You Think

(MP3 Players, iPods, iPads, iPhones, Androids, Kindles, etc.)

 

It’s good to keep in mind that most digital devices have a variety of options, often more than anyone will ever use.  Even if you don’t know what a device can do, your children will soon learn on their own or from their friends. Depending upon the device, your children can telephone, text, watch videos, go online, read books, listen to books, send and receive mail, chat, blog, tweet, create social network pages, post on sites, write, draw, take and send photos, download applications, listen to podcasts and music, purchase products with a credit card, sign up for RSS feeds, give out personal information—you name it. Think about the Kindle, for example. You may believe it’s just a nice way for your children to read books—an innocent e-reader. However, if your children Google “ways to hack a kindle”, they’ll discover a host of sites with specific instructions and downloads for making the Kindle a web browser, mp3 player, email device, etc.  Because many Kindles have free 3G connections, it's important for parents to understand all the possibilities. Then there’s the cell phone/smart phone. You purchase one thinking it’s a great way to keep in touch with your children, and you might even put to work the GPS that lets you know where your children are. However, buying a cell phone/smart phone for your children is like buying a miniature computer that they can carry with them and use when you cannot possibly supervise what they are doing, where they are online, and with whom they are interacting.

 

The best advice is to only purchase digital devices for your children if you are sure they will use them safely.  It’s up to you to let your children know your expectations related to their uses of the devices you give them.

 

What about the younger children?

 

With preschool though primary levels, this is your chance to teach your children through example. Work with them as they enjoy online activities, and show them sites they can visit. Put these sites in your Favorites or Bookmarks, so that they'll learn to go to these sites when they are on the computer. Such "starter sites" might include children's sites they enjoy, and of course, and others like these:

 

The San Diego Zoo (http://www.sandiegozoo.com)

NASA for Kids (http://science.nasa.gov/kids/)

Yahoo! Kids (http://kids.yahoo.com/)

Ask Kids (http://www.askkids.com/)

National Geographic for Kids (http://www.nationalgeographic.com/kids/)

The American Library Association's Great Sites for Kids (http://www.ala.org/gwstemplate.cfm?section=greatwebsites&template=/cfapps/gws/default.cfm)

 

Teach younger children how to use email for sending notes to relatives and friends and show them what types of messages they are allowed to open. Don't let them get into chatting, surfing, playing online games, or engaging in Instant Messaging unless you are with them. Be aware that your younger children will want to model what you and the older children in the family are doing, so be careful about what access younger children have to online activities they should not be involved in. Make sure that siblings and babysitters do not allow younger children to participate in games, sites and messaging, which are not meant for their age group.

 

If you think you don't need to worry about your children's Internet behavior at this age, keep in mind that children as young as seven, when allowed to use different types of digital messaging and chat, have been known to create subtle messages/keystrokes to inform those with whom they are "chatting" that parents are watching.

 

 

Examples of Rules You Might Use

 

1. Do not give out your last name, address, telephone number, parents' names, credit card information, school name, teams you play on, or any other information that identifies you.

2. Give your parents a list of any passwords or usernames you use online. Do not give anyone else, even your best friends, your passwords and user names.

3. Let your parents or teacher know immediately if you see or hear something online that makes you feel uncomfortable. Let your parents or teacher know if anyone online is not treating you in an appropriate manner.

4. You are expected to treat those you meet online with respect and courtesy. Inappropriate language and photographs are not allowed. Neither is teasing, posting comments that are hurtful to others, etc.

5. Realize that some people online may not be who they appear to be. Do not pretend to be someone else when you are online. Never agree to meet anyone you met online unless your parents approve and go with you to meet the person.

6. Do not download files available through email or online unless you know who sent you the files, and you are expecting to receive a file from this person. (Young children should not be allowed to download files without parents' permission.)

7. Adhere to the time limits your parents set for your use of the computer and other digital devices. Do not make socializing on the computer or playing games on the computer your main leisure time activity.

8. Never use the computer to interact with others late at night.

9. Discuss your online activities with your parents. Realize that your online safety is their responsibility and yours, too.

10. Keep in mind that using technologies is a privilege, not a right, and that if you abuse this privilege, it will be taken away from you.

 

 

Advice Relating to Online Activities

 

eMail and Sites: Depending upon the ages of your children, set rules about downloading of files, email that can be opened and sent, sites that may and may not be visited, appropriate language to use online, whether photos and files may be uploaded, filling out forms on sites, online shopping, etc. Younger children and children who have not learned to surf the Net safely, should use children’s browsers when you are not there to work with them.

 

Posting/Messaging/Texting/Tweeting/Blogging, etc.: Decide what you allow your children to use and set limits about when your children can engage messaging and posting. Discuss appropriate language when messaging and with whom your children may interact. If you have a camera attached to your computer, phone or other digital device, keep in mind that messaging and posting can include photos, live audio and video. You should consider whether you'll allow your children to use photos, video and audio as part of their messaging. Most messaging connections are made through Buddy or Friends Lists on your children's computers. Periodically ask to see these lists. Be aware that some teens have hundreds of buddies on their lists, many of whom they do not actually know. Let your children know that this is not acceptable.

 

With software such as Skype, your children can "telephone" others using a computer. This type of software connects those on a list similar to a Buddy or Friends List. After a "ring" on the computer, a message asking whether the call will be accepted appears. Once accepted, your children can talk just like they are on a telephone. Therefore, any rules you apply to your children's use of messaging and telephones/cell phones should apply here. Such rules would include when calls can be received and made (such as not while doing homework or late at night), appropriate language, etc. Don't worry—even if your children are talking to a friend or relative in England, there are no long distance charges. All you need is a fast Internet connection.

 

Rules about when calls can be made and received should be applied to cell phone/smart phone use as well. If your children's cell phones have photo options, you'll need to talk with them about what types of photographs may be taken with their phones. For example, photography in locker rooms and restrooms should be off limits, and they should never distribute through their phones or the Internet uncomplimentary or revealing photos of themselves or anyone else. Cell phones can be set up with Internet, email, and messaging connections; therefore, your rules for these should apply to cell phones as well.

 

Podcasts/Videocasts, MP3 Players, Music Downloading, Apps: There are many wonderful songs, applications, podcasts and videocasts available for a variety of digital devices and computers, but there are also some that are inappropriate for children and teens. Talk to your children about what they are downloading to their digital devices and/or computers and set rules regarding types of applications, music, etc. they may use on their players. Be aware that a number of podcasts/videocasts are subscriptions and will download to children's computers and digital devices each time they are updated. The subscriptions are sometimes free, and you and your children can unsubscribe as needed. You'll want to monitor time spent on these devices and make sure that your children are not involved in illegal downloading of music files or other files. For additional information on music files, check out Music Downloading (http://www.powertolearn.com/internet_smarts/interactive_case_studies/index.shtml#musicdown).

 

Games: Children under 12 should not be given the option of using online connections to play multi-player “adult”, “mature” or “teen” rated games. There are too many dangers including exposure to inappropriate language and situations, especially from adults posing as children, for them to be out in cyberspace alone. This is a time to say “no” no matter how mature your children may seem or how much they beg that “everyone else” is doing it.

 

If you own an Xbox system, you can use the Family Settings (http://www.xbox.com/en-US/support/familysettings/) to grant or restrict access to games based on the ESRB rating when playing offline. When playing online, Family Settings can be used to restrict access to content and contacts based upon your preferences. Other gaming devices do not appear to have such safety controls.

 

Online gaming involves problems relating to violence in some games and social interaction problems similar to those listed in the next section.

 

You’ll want to check for updates of these systems.

 

Forums/Networking through school software like Moodle, Ning, CosmicThings, Elluminate, etc.

 

These are the best and safest places for your children to get practice interacting online. Content is archived and teachers can tell who was online when, what they “said” or “did”, and how they interacted with others. Teachers set standards in class and show students how to participate. Taking part in these online discussions is an excellent way for students to interact with course content, do group work from home, and learn appropriate behavior online.

 

Even so, teachers and parents need to monitor what is “said” in the discussions.

 

Social Networking, Blogs (online discussion groups), Chat Rooms, Online Diaries: Sites such as Facebook, Bebo, Teenspot, etc. have become very popular places for preteens, teens and adults to socialize. Keep in mind that this is the way young people interact today, and it can be an excellent way to talk with friends. Problems arise when children don’t use the sites appropriately.

 

Problems with these activities may include:

 

• Children often post personal information and believe that no one but their friends can access it. The information posted should not be considered private, even if they activate privacy settings.

• Although the sites generally set age limits for membership, anyone can sign up as a member. Even if your children are of the age to be on a site like Facebook, they may (and often do) list their age as several years older. Many younger children sign up saying that they are of age to use the service, when in fact, they may be several years below the age limit.

• Girls often post photos of themselves that make them look older and sexier; some boys like to post macho photos. Such photos may give the wrong person/persons an inaccurate impression of your children.

• Although much of the content on these sites is simply teen talk, there is a content that stretches the envelope of appropriate behavior. Even if your children are following a your rules and the site’s rules for safe posting, they will have access to postings of others that may not follow the rules.

• Children can post unkind information about others, and if they know others' passwords and user names, they can post inappropriate information that will look like it is coming from those whose IDs they've used.

• Some people on these sites become what are known as "cyberbullies". Cyberbullies are similar to aplayground or neighborhood bullies, only these people (often preteens and teens) do their bullying online. They use their online anonymity to create problems for others. They may tease, stalk, post false information, or even threaten. This can happen in any type of online interaction such as games, blogging, social networking, etc. Incidents of cyberbullying should be reported to site officials; if the bullying is serious (threats or continuous bullying), it should be reported to the police. Site officials will assist with providing evidence to the legal authorities.

• There is no guarantee that those your children meet on these sites are who they say they are.

 

What to do besides setting rules for your children's interaction online

 

• Place computers in areas where you can see what your children are doing.

• Talk with your children about their activities on the Internet and what it means to be good digital citizen. Many online problems, such as cyberbullying, are caused by peer relationships. Your children not only need to know how to be safe online, but how to interact appropriately online.

• Know what your children are doing online. With the older ones, you can't and won't want to be looking over their shoulders every minute, but you should check in on what they are doing from time to time. They may not like it, but it's your job.

• Ask them to show you their profile if they are involved in social networking. If you don't want to do this, or they make an excuse for not showing it to you, you can try to see their profile by signing up for the social network site yourself. The easiest ways to find the information your children post are to search the social networking site by the school name or by your children's email addresses. (Make sure you know the email addresses and user names your children are using.)

• Another way to find out some of what your children are posting online is to do a Google or other search for their names or user names. Just put their name in quotation marks. If it's a common name like "Mary Jones", you'll need to put in additional keywords ("Mary Jones" Worcester Prep Camp lacrosse) to help the search engine find Mary. You might also search by any unique nicknames they are likely to use online. Remember that many of the "Mary Jones" listings that you find won't be your daughter.

• Don’t think your children’s profile and information online is safe if you can’t find it. You probably aren’t as adept at locating the information as children, teens, and adults who use social networking all the time.

• Check your browser’s preferences to see if you can set safety measures.

• If you use an Internet provider such as AOL or MSN, look for the parental control sections to set levels of safety. If you use another provider, contact that provider about safety options you or they might set. Some providers offer discounts for the purchase of software tools such as those mentioned in the next bullet.

• Consider software tools that may help you keep your children safe, but be aware that children love to find their way around software tools, that keeping the tools up-to-date to fit your family may take time, and that the software may block or filter sites such as medical sites or sites that contain "forbidden" words in them such as "sex", which would exclude sites with the word "Sussex" and lots of others. These software tools are designed to do Internet site filtering, filtering of what goes out from your children's computer, Internet site blocking, and/or monitoring and tracking of what your children are doing. With them you can follow the path your children have taken online, set time limits, filter sites with inappropriate language and photos, get reports on your children's Internet activities, block sites that are inappropriate for children, etc.

For software information that helps you pick the best tool for keeping your children safe, check Wired Safety's What You Always Wanted to Know About Filtering Software but were afraid to ask... (http://www.familyguidebook.com/filtering.html) or GetNetWise's Tools for Families (http://kids.getnetwise.org/tools/).

• To keep up with the latest in Internet safety for your children, follow the articles and blog entries of CableVision’s Powertolearn (www.powertolearn.com). You may want to subscribe to the blog Digital Smarts (http://powertolearn.typepad.com/digital_smarts_blog/), which will keep you up-to-date on safety.

 

 

Don't forget to trust and monitor.

 

After you're sure your children know the rules for online interaction, you've got to trust that they will follow them not only because you cannot watch their typing fingers and their computer screens all the time but also because they must learn to deal with online situations on their own through knowledge and common sense. They must learn to be good digital citizens. Even so, you must continue to monitor. Realize that children and even older teens are very trusting and that they do not believe they will encounter any problems. Most of the time they won't, but being careful will not be a mistake. Keep in mind that your children live in the “here and now” and aren’t thinking of consequences for the future. Much of what they (especially preteens and teens) do online and offline is dominated by the peer group and peer beliefs. Consider this conversation:

 

"Dr. Marsh," one of our juniors said enthusiastically, "I love chatting online, and I've met a girl who is attending an Ivy League college. She is really special and we chat all the time."

 

"Jim (not his real name)," I asked, "What did you tell her about yourself?"

 

"Oh, I couldn't tell her that I was only in high school," he said laughing, "so I said I was in college and that I played lacrosse."

 

"Considering that you didn't tell her the truth about yourself, do you think she's telling you the truth?" I asked.

 

"She wouldn't lie to me," he said and he was sure of it.

 

 

All of this does sound a bit like gloom and doom, but it isn't. Most of the time your children won't encounter problems online, but they must learn to use the Internet safely. The Internet is an exciting, powerful, and excellent resource for all of us. We want your children to use it both at school and at home, for it is an important part of life and learning today. Let's work together to help them use it wisely.

 

 

Sites of Interest

 

Digital Smarts Blog.
 Sign up to get information from this blog, which features the latest in Internet safety for children and teens. It’s about the most up-to-date information you can get.

 

Blogs, Profile Sites, Diary Sites or Social Networking Sites(http://www.wiredsafety.org/internet101/blogs.html), Information on safety online for those visiting these types of sites.

 

Center for Missing and Exploited Kids
(http://www.missingkids.com/), Child safety information, Cyber Tipline, Information on sexual exploitation.

 

Common Sense(http://www.commonsensemedia.org/), An online newsletter for parents and educators packed with valuable information about games, television shows, movies, and websites. Parents can subscribe to this free newsletter to get updates sent to their email address.

 

Cyberbullying (http://www.powertolearn.com/internet_smarts/interactive_case_studies/index.shtml#cyberbully), Slideshow for students on cyberbullying, information for parents and teachers.

 

Family Internet
(http://familyinternet.about.com/library/weekly/aa122198.htm), An excellent source of information on child safety.

 

GetNetWise (http://www.getnetwise.org)), Information on software tools to keep your children safe. You fill in the information about what you want, and the site provides a list of applicable software.

 

Internet Super Heroes
(http://www.internetsuperheroes.org/cyberbullying/youth), Information about cyberbullying for younger children.

 

Keeping Personal Information Private (http://www.powertolearn.com/internet_smarts/interactive_case_studies/index.shtml#persprivate), Slideshow for students, information for parents and teachers.

 

Security at Home: Protect Your Family (http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/children/default.mspx), Information on child safety. Contains a video about teaching your children about safety online.

 

WiredSafety(http://www.wiredsafety.org) Loaded with information that will be helpful to parents who are concerned about online safety of their children. Contains comments from Internet privacy and security lawyer Perry Aftab.

 

 

 

Places to Learn About and/or Purchase Software Tools to Help with Child Safety

 

A+ Internet Filtering for Families (http://www.hedgebuilders.com/A%20.html)

Macintosh, Windows

 

CyberPatrol (http://www.cyberpatrol.com/)

Windows

 

NetNanny (http://www.netnanny.com/)

Windows, Macintosh

 

Software for Parents (http://www.software4parents.com)

Macintosh, Windows

 

Spectorsoft (http://www.spectorsoft.com)

Macintosh, Windows